Keep On Living

Here I am. It’s 2017.

I actually can’t believe I had to write that number. It’s been so long. No one will probably ever see this and that’s okay, I’m mostly writing this for me.

This year with be the 5 year mark since he died. It’s unbelievable how fast 5 years went by, but how long ago it feels. And what can I say, life goes on. I’m doing just fine.

Missing my dad got easier. I no longer remember what everyday life felt like with him around. I’m an adult now, on my own, doing my own thing. Things still remind me of him every once and a while, but that doesn’t make me sad. What makes me sad is the fading memories. Not being able to remember how it was living with a dad. That’s what’s hard. I can remember him and the person that he was, but I can’t remember what it felt like to be with him.

That being said though, many people would give anything to have the person they lost back. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he was still here, and I like who I am now. Not to mention the fact that I would never ask for him to come back here. He is where he belongs. He’s where I want to be. He’s where he wanted to be. And it’s not like I wish I could die. No, I like living. It’s stressful and hard but it’s life. But in the long run I know that Heaven is where I belong, and it’ll be easy there.

It doesn’t make it any easier to tell people my dad is dead. It doesn’t make the idea of him not walking me down the aisle one day any easier. Or seeing me graduate college. Or my kids not having a grandfather someday. It’s not easy. But I’m at peace with it. And I trust God’s plan

And thats all I can do.

 

(ps. If anyone read that last post from 3 years ago. I’m sorry. The lack of maturity reading it now is astounding)

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Time Goes On

*WARNING* this post is completely and utterly off topic and random please read at your own descretion.

Wow it’s been a while. It’s almost been a year and one month since my dad left and things are different but they’re good. I get along better with my sister, which still feels weird. It’s nice to have someone to go to when my moms bothering me because she understands.
I’ve kinda stopped writing. I’m sad because I’ve barely even think about it. I’ve felt a little under appreciated with my writing, I think. None of my family is interested and my friends read it, but I just get a ‘you’re really good!’ And then it’s over and I still feel empty. That’s probably selfish. Oh well.
I feel like ever since school started, my senior year, I’ve been stuck in this rut. Like I can even remember what I did last week it was so unimportant. I got a puppy in May, and she’s been my best friend. She keeps me company when I’m lonely. You know this was my last year on my equestrian team, and we made it to states and got 5th. It was so huge, but it feels like it was 10 years ago. My horse went kinda psycho so I had to find a new one last minute. I kinda hated her at first but when it was time for her to go back I didn’t want her to go. Then her owner traded her for some ugly untrained baby, and nows she’s just sitting in a pasture in a different state and it just makes me so angry. Her owner drove 16 hours to drop Cole(the mare I’m talking about) off and pick up the ugly baby(whom the owner still has not named 2 months later), and it literally took her 6 hours to get the baby in the trailer and she eventually had to tranq her to get her in. And now she wants to get rid of the thing. And poor Cole is sitting doing nothing. Did I mention she is 7 years old and has skin cancer? Which means she’ll probably die soon because her new owner probably won’t give her her meds. I feel so empty when I think of her. Like I wasted my time getting to know her. It’s sad because as much as I love my horse Briar, I didn’t miss him when I rode her. But now when I’m back to riding him, I miss her a lot.
But they were also so similar that that’s probably why I liked Cole so much. I don’t know I’m rambling now.
So anyway, that’s how I’ve been feeling about animals. My friends aren’t much different. I can’t even get them to hang out with me half the time. There was this concert I wanted to go to, IM5, which I know your either like ‘ew why’ or ‘who are they’ but i don’t know, I like them. Yes, they are a boy and but they’re all my age what do you expect. So anyway, I found out they were coming to where I live, in a city I just happened to be showing my horse that weekend. I was so excited, and I never get excited for things. But when it came down to it, not a single one of my friends would go with me. It was free. But not one wanted to leave the horse show for 2 hours to see a band that was probably going to get to be too popular to come back anytime soon. It was at that point that I felt so utterly alone. I winded up going with a girl I hardly ever talk to that was coming to help me at my show since my mom couldn’t come. I’m so thankful for her because she went even though she only knew them by their YouTube video Disney Dudes.
And you know what, I loved the concert, except that my phone died at 50% 15 minutes into the concert. Yeah, my luck.
The last thing I want to complain about it that half my friends didn’t even realize that December 1st had come around again. Two people remember, and one was my friend that was born on the same day. One of my friends said to me a few days later when I mentioned it to her ‘Oh I was so focused on -enter friends name here-‘s birthday I didn’t even realize’.
I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m going to go now. I’ve complained about my life enough.
But don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself or my life or even my friends by any means. I’m grateful for the life I have. It’s just hard sometimes.

God Does Good Things

It been a long 5 months. But here I am now.

Just recently a girl from my old barn’s dad passed away. Shes around my age, and her dad was around my dad’s age. He passed unexpectantly.

About a year before my dad had died, a different girl from my old barn’s dad died. Again, her dad passed unexpectantly and he was around the same age.

Three girls around the same age that rode at the same barn. Three Dads around the same age- too young to be gone. All three dying unexpectantly.

How crazy is that?

I think its one way God does things. Sure its horrible that three girls lost their dad’s. But at least we wont feel like we’re alone. It doesn’t just happen to us. It happens to everyone.

So trust God in his choices.

The Bad Guy

Lately I’ve been feeling like the bad guy. Like that I’m not mourning enough or I’m too happy. I know that sounds crazy but that’s how I feel.

Maybe it’s because whenever someone asks how we are, my mom and my sister answer with a ‘Doing okay’ while I just say “I’m good” just like I always have. Or like tonight when my sister wanted to go out to eat but she didn’t want to go to a certain Applebee’s because that’s where she always went with my dad. For some reason I don’t feel that. I used to go with him to this Olive Garden every time for out 3D(Daddy Daughter Date), but I’ve been back there since. I don’t have a problem with it. Or when my mom wanted me to put up a picture of him in my room. I didn’t really feel the need to. But I felt bad for not feeling the need to.

So I feel like I’m doing something wrong. But the thing is, I don’t need a picture in my room because I feel like nothing is different. Sure, he’s not here, but is he really gone? God is all around us all the time, so why can’t my dad be too? I have a picture of him as the lock screen on my phone, which is better than my wall or dresser because I look there more. I can go back to a place we went to a lot because I can remember the good memories.

I think it also has to do with my emotions. I’m a naturally blank person. I hardly look happy. But I never really look mad or sad either. I cry really easily, but when I’m really upset about something I don’t cry. I don’t know why it works that way but it does. My facial expressions are often so neutral that even my closest friends ask me what’s wrong when there’s never anything wrong.

I feel bad because I don’t act any differently than I did before. I feel like I should act differently or else people will forget what happened to me. But the thing is that people are going to forget. It’s in our nature. I don’t treat my friends any differently after someone they know dies, and they won’t for me either. Sure it’d be nice for everyone to just be able to know that you don’t have a dad anymore, but that’s not how it works.

I think I am going to have to just try harder to not act like I don’t care around my mom and sister because it might hurt them. They don’t understand how I’m feeling. Really nobody does. It’s because I keep it all in my head, and on here. And for right now, I’m okay with that.

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The Little Things

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I got my Thumbie the other day. It’s a heart necklace that has my dad’s fingerprint engraved onto the front. On the back it also says:
Daddy
1960-2012

The infinity symbol represents his new life in eternity with God.
I haven’t taken it off since I got it.

It’s Everywhere

Death is everywhere. There is nothing you can do about it.

People are born, people die. That’s just how our lives go. No one can live forever.

The way you let death affect you is what matters. After my dad died, I realized just how many people die all the time. The day after he died, a woman only a year younger than he was died of a massive heart attack. The same thing that took my dad. A week later my counselors dad died. A month later a deacon at my church died.

It’s everywhere.

But you can’t get rid of it.

God has a plan for everything he does. Whether a person is a believer or not, God knows the time and place that we are all going to pass one day.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11  it says, “For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation  through our Lord Jesus Christ,  who died for us so that whether we are  awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and  build one another up, just as you are doing.”

It gives me peace to know that he is with God. That may be the only thing getting me through a time like this. I’m not  angry that God takes people. Hey, God even took his own son’s life for us. Where would we be know if we were not forgiven? Death will never die. What’s meant to happen will happen, and all we can do in response is believe in Him even more.

Realization Setting In

I’m just starting to realize that everything I do, or think of, is somehow connected to a memory of my dad. At first I thought maybe this wouldn’t be a good thing. Always being reminded that he’s gone would make me sad, and therefore ruin the activity I was doing. But really, I’d have to say that it is a good thing.

Sometimes not forgetting is hard. You go about your daily life, starting and finishing routines, and it’s not until you feel something missing in your routine that you remember. Sometimes nothing in your routine is missing, because they weren’t a part of it, and slowly the memories drift away. Yet the fact that everything reminds me of him in some way is amazing. I’ll never be able to forget him.

Like on New Years day, I went Ice Skating. I have never actually been ice skating at a rink before, so I thought it would be something new. But once I got there, I realized it was the same place my dad played hockey for so many years. He hadn’t played for years, but all of a sudden when I stepped inside, all of the memories came flooding back.

Or even the simple things, like seeing a person running or biking, I think of him. Or when we eat out, I think of him complaining about us eating out too much. Or when Someone That I Used to Know by Goyte comes on the radio. I think of when he turned it up loud in the car and said it was his favorite song. Or when a white truck goes by, I think of his precious truck sitting in the barn he had made specially for it.

Theres so many more things that make me instantly think of him, that I can’t remember right now. And it’s okay that I can’t remember them, because the memories will come and go, but I know that I will never, ever forget him.

Until we meet again, I’ll always remember.

A Different Kind of New Year

Well, its a new year, exactly a month since he died, and I can definitely say I’ve had some regrets about 2012.

I regret having to say ‘my parent’ or ‘my mom’ instead of ‘my parents’.

I regret having to go to a funeral for my dad.

I regret not being at home when he died.

I regret thinking everything I did during that time. Not that any of it was bad.

But all of these regrets are pointless. There is nothing I can do about any of them. Instead of remembering the bad times of 2012, I’ll remember the good times.

Like when I spent Halloween with my dad. He had a coupon to some italian restaurant that expired that day. My friends had ditched me last-minute, so I went with him. It was one of our 3 D’s. Daddy-Daughter-Date. Of course he complained because he has thought it was a Mexican restaurant and he didn’t want Italian. But hey, what are you going to do?

Or even when I sat at Best Buy for an hour and a half after dinner listening to him argue with the guys about laptops. I wish I would’ve known to tell him not to spend money on a brand new laptop, which he bought November 2nd. About a month before he died. But I don’t regret being there.

Or during the summer when we went to Picture Rocks and he took a bunch of pictures on his cell phone and was convinced they looked professional.

Or when I was making something in the kitchen just a few days before he died. He told me, “That smells gross.” So I told him, “You smell gross!” And he returned with “That’s it, you’re grounded!” Even though I knew he was joking.

Or how he came in to my room the night before he died and put my dog on my bed. He knew I liked being with her. But I said “No she takes up too much of the bed!” Because I have a twin bed and I’m 5′ 8 and she’s a medium-sized dog.

Or when he told me I looked like Taylor Swift with my hair curled.

All of these were good things I can remember. And I will remember them.

And even though I miss him, I know he’s having a way better time in Heaven than we are having here.

Only Just The Beginning.

December 1st, 2012 was the day my dad died. It was a saturday morning, and of course I was at the barn cleaning stalls. I had three left when my trainer came in and told me my dad had had a heart attack while biking. “Do you need a hug?” I was asked. “No.” I had replied. I don’t generally like hugs, and besides, it couldn’t have been bad anyway. He was totally healthy. He would be okay.

Yet I cried anyway. How could someone not cry after hearing that news? I was told that I was going to be taken to whatever hospital he was at when they got him there. So instead of finishing stalls, I just got on and rode. I wouldn’t have time to later if I didn’t do it now. Once I had finished riding, my friends mom said she was taking me home. This was weird to me, since they said they were going to take me to the hospital. And I had driven myself to the barn, why couldn’t I just drive home? But I didn’t question it. I just got in the car and headed home.

We avoided conversation a little bit, but I was bold. I didn’t think there was anything to worry about. “This is really weird,” I had said. “I just started reading a book a day ago about a girl whose dad died of a heart attack.” I should’ve known that when my friends mom said, “Maybe you should stop reading that book”, that it was bad. But still, I didn’t really think too much about it.

 
When we pulled onto my road, I saw tons of cars at my house. “Why are all these cars here?” I had asked. Maybe that was when the denial had set in. I walked up to the house, worrying about all of these people seeing and smelling me, coming from the barn. Thats when my mom walked out of the house and said,

“Daddy’s gone.”